I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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