What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You need a sexual gate keeper
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
