I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
