hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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