I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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