Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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