Can i not drive my cunt home
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
