Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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