Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
