Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
