I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
