just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
