I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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