wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize