can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
