Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
