So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
