He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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