1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
