Small penises have feelings too.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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