I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
