today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
