No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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