guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
