I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
