i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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