There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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