There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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