She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
