those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Green mimosas i think yes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
