It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
