dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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