remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize