birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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