you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize