I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
