I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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