It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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