ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
