What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
