dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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