never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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