My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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