the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize