I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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