I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
