My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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