We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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