he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
