You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
