i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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