My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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