wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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