oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
