I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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