babies were throwing up all over the place
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
