Kiss
Puke
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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