i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
