I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
FUCK WHALES
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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