I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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