I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize