I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
