2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
