I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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