it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
