So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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