What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
