Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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