We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
