Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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